Driving into the Valley of Death?

I almost got killed today... yes, it's true... I am not exaggerating. Pure luck saved me today. I had just merged onto the freeway and was looking to change lanes. I did the usual, checked my mirrors, turned sideways to check my blind spot and started moving into the next lane. I had completed my move about 80% when a car from the next lane came onto the one I was merging in to, right NEXT to me. He obviously didn't bother to look right before changing lanes and I had to swerve to avoid him and make sure I didn't hit the car on the lane I had just left! Like I said, I survived by sheer luck today.

I go through this on a daily basis. I see drivers that don't follow the most basic rules on the road and see accidents waiting to happen. I try and avoid accidents as much as possible by being over cautious and being extra alert (if that's possible) the entire time I'm driving. But, I'll be honest, I am getting tired of it. I am exhausted by the time I get to my destination simply because driving here is the most stressful thing one can do! When I first moved to CA, everyone said that I would not want to travel more to get to work because the traffic is horrible. Not true - No one wants to drive long distances because the longer they are on the road, the greater their chances of ending up dead. No, it's not a joke. Just plain fact.

Defensive driving will get you to your destination 2 minutes slower, but it will get you there alive. Do you want to shave 5 minutes off your commute or quadruple the chances of dying in an accident? Do you want to leave those chances to others? Take more control - Here are some tips for defensive driving that you can slowly implement into your commute:

1. Check blind spots often: Planning to change lanes - the first thing you should be doing is checking your blind spot. It is called "blind spot" for a reason. You cannot see it just from your rear view mirror, no matter how much you lean forward and peer into your mirror. Many an accident has been avoided by checking the blind spot BEFORE one starts to change lanes (remember before, there is no point in checking after you start your lane change)

2. Don't talk on the phone while driving: This seems to be the most common reason for accidents - handsfree or not, don't use cell phones while driving. Either way, your mind is distracted to a certain extent and your concentration is not on the road. Especially if you are having emotional conversations while driving. Bad idea. What can be so important that it cannot wait 15 minutes? If you are indeed expecting an important call, plan around the call so you are not on the road while talking. Or, pull over to the nearest exit and take the call, if it's that important.

3. Don't text/read texts while driving: Common sense - how can your eyes focus on two places at once? They cannot. Hence, either text OR drive, don't do both.

4. Don't apply makeup while driving: What the heck? You would think this was a no-brainer, but apparently not! I cannot tell you how many times I have seen women applying mascara or lipstick while driving! As a woman, I cannot even begin to understand that! That's why they have parking lots, ladies!

5. Don't speed: Okay, sticking to the speed limit is something 99% of the population does not follow these days, but use your common sense. Speeding by 5 miles an hour and speeding by 20 miles an hour have completely different consequences. The impact of an accident at 75 mph is 4-5 times greater than if you were going at speed limit. Like I said, 2 minutes or your life?

6. Pay attention to the road: Watch carefully, anticipate merges and traffic jams. You will be able to respond much better if you are alert.

7. Don't give in to Road Rage: Just because someone else is being stupid and cares less about their life does not mean you have to give in and retaliate. Someone cut you off? Just call them an idiot and drive on. Someone give you the finger? Consider them juvenile and drive on. Retaliating to road rage often results in horrific incidents, including death. Think "is it worth it"?

8. Follow rules: Rules are formulated for a reason. Extensive research goes into the rules implemented by the government. Follow them and not only will you have a safe ride home, but also save your precious tax dollars from getting wasted on unnecessary accidents and cleanup.

Every time you get into your car, think about all the people you love and that love you. Is it worth putting them through the pain of an accident, the possibility of you losing an arm or a leg or worse, of your death? No? Then, drive defensively instead of aggressively. Also think about this: Will you be able to look at yourself in the mirror or live with the guilt of having killed a life or two? No? Then, drive defensively.

Remember, Defensive Driving is not cowardice. It's just being sensible.

Inspiration

I have been reading this blog recently and am inspired by the insight and values it offers - I thought I should share this with everyone. Along with this, I also came across a quote by the Dalai Lama which I thought was the essence of life -

"Everyday, think as you wake up, ‘today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can."

Think positive and live cheerfully :)

A decade of experience....

It's official - I'm 30 years old! Although that used to freak me out at one point in time, these days, I tend to look at it as a good thing... 30 years of observing different people, their mannerisms, their culture, their ways of thinking and their emotions and reactions... Now, there's a wealth of knowledge! A travel buddy of mine recently said - "The first 3 decades are for you to practice sorting the good stuff from the bad". She is right, but you know... life is all about continuous learning and sorting... You are bound to make mistakes, even when you are 60, but it's the lessons learned that are important.

Here's to aging gracefully :)

Facebook Etiquette

Facebook is the biggest thing in social networking these days... Almost everyone I went to school with or worked with is on there.... While it's a great tool to keep in touch with people you may have worked with or studied with in the past, it can also get rather annoying at times...

Why, you ask? I know of this one person who constantly updates her status with what her toddler did that day.... "he called me this today", "he ate this today", "His funny face when he is trying to poo poo is priceless" and so on and so forth... At first, it was cute, then it became "good to know", and then it became plain annoying... so much that I have now "hidden" all posts by this person so I don't have to read them. As I was doing this though, I began to wonder about Facebook etiquette. I wonder how many of my posts are annoying to my friends? What posts are and are not acceptable to your Facebook friends? When do you realize that it's too much information for your readers/friends?

Here are some tips as to what is generally considered not acceptable:

1. Don't over-poke someone, or poke people you dont really know
2. No personal details please, I DO NOT want to know what your bra color is!
3. Same rule applies to status messages or wall posts with intimate details about your significant other - that's what the bedroom is for - Keep it private!
4. Don't send group invites, please! If someone wants to join a group, I am sure they can find their way around!
5. Don't upload each and every picture of you to FB (applies to me as well "me smiling sheepishly")... just a few samples are good :)
6. Don't send application invites like "Farmville", "Animalville" and so on... Same rule as groups
7. Don't brag on Facebook - I don't want to know what brand of TV, Car, Laptop, etc you own.
8. Don't write cryptic status messages like, "well, that's just not right" or "this feels better" or some such... Its just looks pathetic as you are so obviously inviting people to ask about what feels better or what's not right!

Well, you get the picture! So, the next time you are asked "What's on your mind", think carefully before entering something there. I know I will :)

Insight...

In my 29 years of life on earth, I have seen and experienced a lot. Not so much to stop making wrong choices and not so little to make choices without thought. But I have seen enough to change my outlook on relationships, culture, religion, emotions and much more...

For example, I no longer believe that "God" will take care of you, no matter what.... I know, I know, I have visited this topic more than once... But, really, if you knew my life story, you would question the concept too. I have turned to this power and appealed for help too many times and have been let down that many and more... I remember, as a child, crying for help, guidance and wisdom, to help me understand why things were the way they were and to please change it. I remember not receiving any answers. In times of despair, it was my faith and perseverance that helped me through and not some outside power. It was in the comfort of friends that I sailed through the darkest days. So I choose to believe in people I can see and touch... and myself.

I also no longer believe in a mother's love being the most superior to all. Everyone is human and everyone is selfish. Mothers, too. They are not saints. Everyone does things that will bring them peace and satisfaction. Mothers, too. Yes, I am making a general statement here... There may be exceptions to *this* rule, but not the other way around. Mothers think/hesitate before they "sacrifice" something for their child too... There's nothing wrong in it - I'm just saying that there is no need for glorification, just because she went through 9 months of hell to bring a seed to life. The act of procreation is itself, selfish, if you ask me.

I learnt at an early age that society is a cruel system that will make you unhappy, no matter what you do. So I decided to stop caring and start living life the way I wanted to. Is that selfish? Maybe, but at the very least, I won't have any regrets when I look back to reflect on my life 30 years from now!

You think my experiences have made me a cynic? To some extent... I no longer take anything at face value. I no longer accept that there is unconditional love. I no longer pray for help, I make things happen for myself. If something does not happen, it's because I did not raise a finger to change the situation. Don't get me wrong - there are a lot of external factors that are not within my control, but that does not change the fact that I control my destiny. It has saved me from disappointments, from despairing about things that are not in my control. Most important of all, it has helped me know that I am strong enough to pull through anything and that I can move forward, leaving it all behind.

Visiting Montreal - the France of North America

Deep and I are very interested in traveling and exploring the world. Until recently, we have not traveled outside of the United States and thought it was time we changed that! So, obviously, we were very excited when we finally booked our trip to Montreal, Quebec. I had read and heard a lot of good things about the city and thought that this would be our "Introduction to Europe" trip, before we actually ventured out to the actual continent! Needless to say, high expectations always result in greater disappointment!

It was not the city itself that disappointed me... It was the people - their attitude and demeanor to visitors was appalling! Although Montreal is part of Canada, this city speaks French and if managed, French only!!! All written communication is in French - including directions, menus, notices and everything else you can think of! Fine, that would be acceptable, IF WE WERE IN FRANCE!!!!! For the love of God, we are in CANADA and last time I checked, Canada's first language is still English!!!

Let's leave behind written communication. I am so obviously not French - I don't act French, or look French in any way.... So why communicate with me in French even after I look bewildered after the first few words? And the worst part is, these people act as though tourism is an interruption and not a source of income! No one was good enough to be patient to listen to us, either on the bus or the train. I actually missed a couple of stops on the bus, because the lady driver pretended not to understand my question in english!!!! But, all was not lost - Deep's high school French helped us tremendously to get around and find places! But, I shudder to think what would have happened, had I gone there on my own!!!

Apart from the rude reception and conceit and arrogance of the "French" people, the city itself was marvelous! Montreal is a haven for lovers of architecture and beauty! The Notre Dame Basilica is a beautiful example of the Gothic architecture that you can find all over Montreal! Mont Royal is a great picnic area - with a great park and a great view of the city of Montreal! The Oratoire of St. Joseph is a must see as well! Another fine example of splendid architecture!

Overall, the trip was a mix of good and bad - I am glad I went because of the beautiful architecture and scenery and am hoping that I know what to expect if I ever went to France - which, at this point, I am not so inclined to do!

Is there really God?

A couple of years ago, I denounced religion as a man-made concept and chose to believe in a single higher power called "God". I chose not to give God any names or physical forms. Any time that I needed a push or shove or some strength in difficult situations, I would ask "God" to help me move on. I was living in this state of bliss until this fateful day, when I have started questioning the very existence of "God". Is He (or She, as the Purists believe) just another concept?

We humans have a tendency to attribute the unexplained to the powers of "God". Is that just a convenient way of not dealing with things that are beyond our comprehension? If I get a good job today or win a lottery, everyone else would just say that I am blessed and that God has showered his blessings on me. I would think that this is just a matter of chance. Deep says that probability plays a huge role in life - an unquestionable truth. Chance and "luck" (another word for high probability) are responsible for several things that we do/accomplish in life. Hard work for the rest. So, where does "God" feature in this equation?

Have I prayed regularly and been a believer in "God"? YES - for the past 28 years because that's how I was brought up. Have I received everything that I have asked for? NO. Am I asking for everything in the world and being unreasonable? NO. So, who prioritizes what is more important to grant? If there is a "God" why would be discriminate between His children and prioritize requests? Why does He not take care of the poor people and make sure they have clothes to hide their bodies and food to fill their craving and money to buy the basic necessities in life? Why is there war and strife in His name? Does he not see the innocent people that die every day in this world? Why is there not peace?

Deep, my muse, says that I should clone myself and have my clone pray everyday (unlike me) and communicate with God every single day and see if "miracles" happen to her. And, if they do, would I choose to believe in "God" then? Maybe....Maybe not....Again it is a probability!

Time flies!

In keeping with my earlier post, how time flies! It is more than a year since I wrote something here, although I always make mental notes to write about certain topics (which, obviously don't make it here!) and then I live life and there is never any time!

In this one year, I have grown some more, learned some more lessons, changed careers, visited my country one more time (although I swore to visit next only in 2010), travelled more than I have cumulatively in the past few years and learned to pick to my battles (at last!).

The fact that people mellow down as years pass by and that they grow wiser is true - I can see the changes in myself... To say that I have changed is an understatement. But I like it, and I am sure my near and dear ones like it too.

Today is also my second wedding anniversary. How time flies! It seems just like yesterday when I met my husband. I keep reliving those magic moments, those times of transition and realization when we decided to give this a shot! And I cannot thank God enough for the blessing that is my husband and all the happiness that has come with him.

Well, time to sign off, but I have learned one more important lesson during the past year - it is VERY important to take the time to SMELL THE ROSES!!!

Ciao!

Of sodas...

B and I were driving back home yesterday after an entire day of walking around stores hunting for a good TV stand.... and then, all of a sudden, I had this craving for sugar and orange soda.... So, he bought me one of those and as we were driving back, I was telling him about an incident at work where one of my co-workers had not heard of Fanta at all... We started talking about sodas and the stuff we used to get in India- stuff like Thums Up, Goldspot, Limca and Pepsi.

And then, all of a sudden, he mentioned something that sent me into peals of laughter - Kalimark! Who would believe that someone could name their drink "Kali Mark"? LOL - Another name he reeled out, as I was struggling to gain control of myself was "Jigridanda". This sent me into another bout of laughter.... What were people thinking when they were coming up with names for these 2 drinks?

Anyone heard of these 2 drinks, or even better, has anyone tasted them (other than B)?

of friends and friendship....

Life is so fast paced these days that one does not really have a lot of time outside of work. We may have heard our friends and colleagues say in the recent years that they have been so busy with work that they have not found time to do the simplest of things... Sometimes, I feel that life is just racing past me and I am afraid that one day, I am going to look back and see many years behind me - years that I hardly noticed go by!

In this fast paced environment, one does not have time to even talk to parents, let alone friends. So, how does one maintain these relationships? Isn't "keeping in touch" via phone or email or meeting in person essential to all relationships? The answer, surprisingly, is NO.

In all these years, I have realized that you don't really have to see or talk to each other frequently to stay in touch. A simple thought is all that counts. A remembrance about a silly incident, a memory of an emotional moment together is enough to bring a smile to the lips or a tear to the eye. And, in that moment, you have established contact with the person you were thinking about and thus, kept "in touch"!

I have never kept in constant touch with my friends.... I am bad at returning phone calls and emails. It just slips my mind every time I decide to email or call a person later. Like they say, tomorrow never comes. But, I always think about calling them, talk about them, reminisce about our sweet moments together.... But I know that, somehow, it does not matter... The simple thought has done the necessary work!

Of "PHONY" accents..

Just yesterday, I was talking to Deep about my accent and if he thought I was "putting on" one.... It was just a random thought and I wanted to get his opinion on it....His response to it was that, while it certainly blended with the way everyone else in the country talks, it kind of stands out when I talk to a fellow country-man (or woman) with the same roll in my R's and twirl in my L's. He said people like to hear you talk the way they do, else, it is difficult to bond with them...He also went on to say that our brothers and sisters from India would stay away from me for the simple reason that they think of me as a "wannabe" American.

Needless to say, I found this utterly hard to digest! Seriously, people stop mixing with you just because you talk the way locals do? So, I am supposed to change my accent, the way I speak normally for the sake of being accepted by a community?

Several people may argue that for someone who was born and brought up in a country like mine, this way of speaking is certainly not normal. That may be true. But, I have stayed in this country long enough and worked around locals longer enough for me to consider this as the normal way of speaking. While the way I say some words are typically British in nature, most of my vocabulary is now markedly American. Why or where it changed to being this way is hard to pinpoint, but I may have started to "put on" (or, in normal terms, adopt) an American accent when I began working in an all-American workplace about 5 years ago. And, there has been no looking back. Slowly, my way of talking has progressively become Americanized to an extent that I don't switch back and forth between accents.

I have come across older people who have lived here for the past 30 odd years, but whose accents remain untarnished and "purely" Indian. I am amazed by this phenomenon. I do not know the reason why their accents have not changed even after living here for so long. Maybe, they made a conscious effort to maintain their Indian identity. Or, maybe, somehow, they just did not pick up the accent. Or, maybe, they make it a point to speak English minimally, only as required, while speaking their respective Indian languages for the rest of the time (which I do not do). I don't know why or how this came to happen.

But, I do know that I do not purposely "put on" an accent and that this is normal by my standards. I am sorry that I do not talk like most of my country men out here, but I don't see why people need to judge me based on my accent. As far as I am concerned, if they refuse to accept me the way I choose to be, maybe, that is not the community I want to be belong to, either.

FUNtastic San Diego!!

Deep and I have been working so hard lately, that we hardly find time to completely let go and relax.... Of course, we have our weekends and in recent times, I have made it a point NEVER to work over the weekends, but we sorely missed a nice, long vacation where we could leave behind our cares and not think about anything for a good amount of time.... So, when the date for our proposed trip to SD came nearer, we both could feel excitement building within us in anticipation of all the fun we expected to have....Boy, was that one of the best vacations of this year!!

Apart from the obvious reasons like glorious weather, constant sunshine and gorgeous beaches, what we loved most about SD was the "quaint-little-town" feeling that we got from the entire city. The influence from across the border was heavy and it could be seen in everything, going from architecture to food to shopping. As we were taking a walk through Gaslamp quarter, I could not help going "wow" every single minute. It was so exciting to see Victorian architecture and look at stuff that used to be in existence about 100 years ago still kept going on...Our trips to the 2 beaches - I forget their names now, were just mind blowing....And the time when we did the biking along with Span and Sumita (Span is Deep's friend from way back) in Coronado Island was just absolutely unforgettable. And not to forget the HUGE banana split ice-cream that I could barely eat at the ice cream shop there....

One other unforgettable and hilarious incident was when we decided to grab a bite late in the night after watching the 4th of July fireworks at Seaport Village. Little did we know that the restaurant had already closed when we just walked in because we found every other restaurant door locked. Because he could not ask us to get out after seating us, the waiter opted for the next best strategy - he kept asking us to order and eat fast in addition to the occasional inquiry - "you don't want dessert, do you?" or "You don't want more rotis, do you?". I have never seen Deep eat so fast (he takes his own sweet time to eat under normal circumstances). The minute he started eating, he did not even look up to take a sip of water!!! It was HILARIOUS!! After we exited the restaurant, all four of us burst out laughing and could not stop until we reached the dessert place.

A trip to San Diego zoo proved to be very enjoyable (for Deep, who does not like animals, as well). The rocky terrain gave us our much needed exercise and the koalas and chimps and gorrillas were adorable to watch. The high point of that trip, however, is neatly framed and sits on my side table now - Deep feeding the giraffes! For one who wrinkles up his nose at the very mention of any animal, that was something for him to do!

By the end of the 4th day, after a lovely dinner get-together with Deep's friends, I was thoroughly convinced that we should just move to San Diego without further delay!!! So fulfilling was the experience, that even after coming back to Chicago, I did not get out of the San Diego/holiday mood for a couple of weeks!!!

Arguably, the best place to have a relaxing week, leaving all the worldly cares behind and forgetting that a life exists beyond San Diego!

Home, "sweet" home?

After 6 long years, I am finally home! Home, the city where I was born and brought up, the metro where I have spent more than 80% of my life, the city where all the people dear to my heart reside....I am here finally....after 6 years of pining for their company, dreaming about the looks on their faces when they see me, reliving old memories from college and school, thinking of all those places that I used to know and hang out at.... Boy, was I in for a rude shock!

Home? What home? Mom, I have come back to a strange town... It seems vaguely familiar, but nothing like the place that occupies most of my memories! I have seen cities evolve, growing to be a metro from a small town... But this change seems almost grotesque, for lack of a better word! From the metro that still had a small town feeling, with almost no night life and untouched by the "western" influence, this place is now a typical "wannabe New York"!

Love the extravagance of the United States? Look no further! You name it, we have it....the over priced clothes, the rich "italian" ice-cream, the malls, cell phones, cars, the list goes on to cover a lot more consumer items.... but, the comparison stops right there! For someone who has spent 21 of her 26 years in this city, I am still shocked by the noise, pollution, crowd and most importantly, the total lack of sophistication! You can look like an American with the plethora of choices that this city offers, but can you act** like one? Even with the numerous cell phones in the hands of every Tom, Dick and Harry (in this case, Muniandi, Karuthamma and Pichaimuthu), etiquette is one topic that has eluded the public here... It has been the same story for a long time... I had the same complaints even before I left to the Wild, Wild West, but now they just seem magnified 100 times! And now, if I complain about them, I am branded an "American". And since I look like most of them here, people just give me a weird look if I practise and exhibit some form of social etiquette!

Is this the same place that I left behind? Or have I changed that much? I never expected to feel like a misfit in my own homeown. I wonder if anyone else feels the same as I do or am I all alone here too?




** Act = Behave

Formality

We have often heard the sentence, "please don't be formal with me, you can ask for anything and we will try and help you", said in between friends and relatives.

To what extent should one take this statement to heart? Can you indeed be totally informal with anyone? Come to think of it, formality is present in every single relationship - from parents-children, siblings, friends, clients, customers and so on....We like it if someone says "thank you" and "welcome"and "excuse me", don't we? Is that just courtesy or part of being formal? Where does one draw the line between being "formal" and being "family"?

One other sentence that we hear often is "you know, there are limits to every relationship, one has to stick to them and not cross those lines"....Now that I am married, I often wonder where those lines exist between my husband and me. I used to be worried about someone invading my "space" and now I feel like I don't even need one! Should I be formal with my husband as well? Doesn't that put some distance between us? Is that good or bad for the relationship?

Whenever I thank my parents for anything, they say, "Don't be formal with us"... was I just being courteous or formal? My husband has this habit of asking my permission for even the simplest of things and he also thanks me often if I do something for him (way too often, if you ask me)... Sometimes, I feel very odd when he does that and I have told him not to thank me so often.... But, he says, if he doesn't say it, it goes to show that he is taking me for granted....

I don't agree with him 100% but I am still confused as to the extent to which we should exercise formality in close relationships.

The dirty world of politics

Politics is that evil that has permeated every space on the face of this earth. Be it at home, office or on a larger scale, the country and the continents, politics has ruined several relationships on the way to taking root there.

One might wonder if we really have politics at home, where we are surrounded by our parents, the people who have loved us from the very first moment of our lives on this planet, our siblings, whom we have grown up with for these many years, shared many of those unforgettable moments with.... Sadly, it is true... In the case of a man, enter his wife and the politics begin - his mom trying to outsmart his wife, to prove her wrong, to maintain her supreme status in the house as THE only person who knows him the best, playing dirty games to turn him against his own wife! In the case of a woman, enter her husband and the politics start - with her trying to prove that her love is better than his mom's, competing for the smallest of things, playing dirty games to try and distance him and herself from her in-laws.....Mind you, this is just one face of this dirty game....

Moving outside of one's home, the next place where people spend most of their lives - the work place. Aaahhh, what office doesn't have politics? Please tell me and I will go work there!! What starts as constructive criticism eventually morphs into ugly, nasty remarks with the sole intention of making the other person look bad and incompetent in front of the seniors. When there is a clean path ahead of the person where he can choose to prove himself by achieving higher goals and targets, more often than not, he chooses to trod down the dirty path, getting his hand wet in the all too familiar game of "office politics". In the end, whether he has earned a good name or not, he has smeared all the mud that he possibly can on the other person, who wanted nothing to do with this game in the first place. It is said that if you don't play the game, you lose. Whether you want to or not is besides the point. The game is being played and in order to protect yourself from all that mud, you better learn to join in. You dont have to scoop mud in your hands and smear it all over the opponent, you just need to do know how to dodge when he tries to do it on you!

Of course, the next level of politics is all too well known - the local, national and international governments have nothing to do but play this game on a daily basis. Imagine, about 70% of the time, governments engage in this game and only for the rest of the time, they listen to people and problems and try to resolve them. [1] Isn't this all too sad?

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that politics is really a game of power. It's all about who gets to sit on the throne and wield power, be it in the house, office or in the world. Having experienced it at two of the three levels, all I can say is, I am as disgusted with it as I was when I was just a mute by-stander.

[1] Statistics come from individual observations, not from any statistical report, apologize in advance if this is wrong!

Love happens....

As romantic as I am, I have always been charmed by all the fairy tales that I've read as a little girl... The princess, the charming Prince, the evil fairy, the good fairy, the danger, the excitement and finally the triumph of true love....

There are scores of Indian movies that glorify love... Boy meets girl under extra ordinary circumstances, woos her and finally, they fall in love..... This formula is used in practically every single movie that I have seen till now....But in real life, is it really this complicated? Or is it too simple? Does "love at first sight" really exist?

After a couple of experiences, I have come to the conclusion that one cannot plan to fall in love.... I know people who make sure that they "fall in love" with a person from their caste, religion and community so as to avoid parental conflicts later.....Is that really love? Or really just a rational decision? Do "Love" and "Rational" go together?

You don't have to mastermind an elaborate plan to fall in love.... It just happens, without warning....One fine day, you wake up and your first thought is of this wonderful person in your life, might be a friend, a classmate, a friend's friend that you have hung out with a few times...you think back on your conversations, something that (s)he said brings a smile to your lips, you venture out and find that you associate every single thing with this person, Your heart skips a beat when you see his/her number on your cellphone, you talk for hours together about nothing in particular.... Can't figure it out? Love just happened....Hurry and secure this feeling before it passes you by!

The "only child" syndrome!

I grew up all alone, with no brothers or sisters. I am the "only child" to my parents and hence, the object of all affection, anger and frustration. I have always hated being a "singleton" as the term goes these days. Although it does have its own perks (like getting ice cream whenever I want, without having to share it with another sibling, or getting loads of clothes at one shot 'cos there's no one else to squander my dad's money), it has it's disadvantages as well!

I am the center of attention of my parents' lives and though this sounds like a good thing, believe me, it is not! I had to bear the brunt of my mom's anger when it came to bad grades and at those times, I really wished for an irresponsible brother who got even worse grades than me, so that mom would compare him to me and tell him what a good sister he had! When it came to music and arts, my mom was so protective that she would always insist that the "paatu teachers" should come home and impart music knowledge to me rather than me stepping out into the big, bad world, as a result of which - I have become a bathroom singer, instead of challenging Lata Mangeshkar on stage. Same applied to dance lessons as well! Although one would have thought that veena would have been a good alternative, as the teachers would be more willing to come home and teach me, the idea was immediately shot down as it would mean having 2 veenas in the house and that meant more expenses!! So, there you go, now you know why this creature turned out to be one with no musical talents. Blame it all on being the only child!! Oh, I almost forgot all the times that I had to return home by 6:00 PM (before dark) and wasn't allowed to go to any New Year parties or anything of that kind for fear of "falling into the wrong hands".

Whenever I used to talk to my friends about the "only child" syndrome, they always used to remark on how lucky I was NOT to have any other siblings. I always heard horror stories about how the first-born had to take responsibility for all the things (read, all the wrong things) that happened in the absence of the parents and how the younger sibling got away with anything and everything 'cos (s)he was the "little one"!! But, as the only child, I never got the chance to tease a brother or sister, play pranks on him/her, fight over the smallest of things (like, who got a new atlas that year) or learn to share things at an early age. I always envied friends when they talked about their latest skirmishes with their siblings or about how they sought advise about a particular problem from their sibling instead of taking it to their parents. And I always wanted someone with whom I could commiserate during all the fights that my parents went through. It sure would have been nice to have someone to talk to that knew what was going on then!

I am not "spoilt" like the usual stereotyped notion that goes along with only children. I am just someone who is used to getting all that she wants without having to ask twice! If I had to ask twice, I just had to safely assume that this wasn't something that my parents intended to give me anytime soon! If I needed anything, that would be there before I even opened my mouth to ask for it. If I wanted something, I just had to wait long enough to finish what I was asking for and it would be in front of me. That said, it was much more difficult for me than other people with siblings to adjust to the life in the US without parents. Here, no one gives you anything if you ask for it. In fact, you have to make sure you grab something before someone else reaches for it first!! But I learnt the art of living by myself and soon I was spoiling myself like never before!

Now comes the worst part of being the only child! Marriage!! With no one else ahead of me to worry about, my parents are giving me their whole-hearted concentration in getting me to agree for marriage! This started at a tender age of 20 ( I know people of the older days would say that I am a very lucky person when they read this!) and I have been asked to consider prospective alliances ever since! Parents have this thing about completing their duties and all and apparently the only thing remaining in their list of "things to do" is to get me married! And being the only child, I have to expect the question of "Were you spoilt by your parents?" every single time I talk to someone.

Growing up alone is never fun, however much it appears to be. With all the luxury attached to being an only child, I think growing up with someone else teaches you to share, adjust and take responsibility for your actions.

To summarize, all this has made me resolve two things:
1. When I have kids, I will not stop with one (LOL, I still haven't decided the upper limit as yet) and
2. errr... I will definitely have more than one kid!!!!

Marriage - is it really necessary?

In recent years, I have been plagued, as so many others out there, by this one word - MARRIAGE!!! I am 26 year old woman and hence, am technically racing past the so-called "marriageable age" in my country! Women are supposed to be married before 24 and have their first child by 25. This has been proved biologically to be the perfect age for a woman to bear a child as her body will recover in a snap!

Back from where I come, marriage has a strange connotation. If you are married, then you are "settled" in life. If you have a child, better still - you are considered "responsible"!! Strangely enough, people assume that women are happy and that their lives are made if they are married and most importantly, if they have kid(s). Why is marriage such an important part of our lives? I once read somewhere on the internet, that marriage is a social institution and that it is supposed to tie a man and a woman together and strengthen their relationship. Marriage is also considered to make a person "complete".

A particularly close friend of mine and I always have an argument when it comes to the importance of marriage. I personally feel that marriage is a convenient custom started for the benefit of the other people in a society. I have always wondered how the relationship between two people can be "strengthened" by uniting them through marriage. How does it make a person "complete"? How does it make the society more orderly and organized? My friend argues that if marriage does not exist, then people will be roaming around in a haphazard manner, getting in and out of relationships as they please. Marriage makes it more difficult to do so and binds the two people and forces them to stay under one roof and sort out their differences. My question is, why can we not do the same thing without getting married? If marriage is a commitment of emotions, then why do we have to have laws to enforce the commitment? Why can a man and a woman not live together endlessly without entering into a contractual obligation? Many argue that if the contract is not present, then either party is free to leave the other without prior notice or settlement. So, when there are no emotions left to bind the couple, what is the use of living together? Marriages can also be dissolved through the legal system based on this argument. So, why enter into this contract in the first place? The same friend that I mentioned before had an answer for this question as well. He said that in case of either party "deserting" the other, the victim would receive monetary settlement and thus be able to carry on with their lives. So, is marriage all about protection in case of desertion? What is the use of money when emotions are hurt?

As I mentioned before, I have been in the hot spot for a couple of years now. I have been coerced to "settle down" in life before it is too late...Too late for what? Is marriage really that necessary as compared to getting together with someone you love, understand and enjoy being with?

Religion, Spirituality and God

Are you religious or spiritual? How many times has someone confronted you with this question? What do people really mean when they ask you this? Do they want to know if you believe in God? Or are they trying to ask if you conform to those religious customs that have been set and followed for years together?

The Oxford English dictionary defines spiritual as

spiritual
/spirrityool/
• adjective 1 relating to or affecting the human spirit as opposed to material or physical things. 2 relating to religion or religious belief.

and religion as

• noun 1 the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods. 2 a particular system of faith and worship. 3 a pursuit or interest followed with devotion.


Being spiritual is still related to religion but in a more non-materialistic sort of way. But being religious means you pray to God regularly, go to that temple/church/mosque as frequently as possible and that you live in the fear of God's wrath. How mutually exclusive are these two concepts?

I always tell people that I dont believe in the concept of religion. If someone asks me if I am religious or spiritual, I tell them that I am spiritual. But am I? Do I believe in God? I dont know. Sometimes, I do and sometimes I dont. When I look at all the pain and suffering that is present all over the world, I think to myself, "if God really exists, then why is there so much poverty, pain, suffering, strife and diseases in this world?" I also answer this question by myself, assuming that if all this pain and suffering is not there, how will we know what is better and appreciate what we have? Then, what makes me believe that God exists? There have been some things that have happened in my life that I dont have explanations for. These have been literal miracles and its these things that reinstate my faith in this higher power from time to time. Notice that I said "higher power" and not God.

What is God? Who is God? Each person has a different answer for this question. I believe that God is this strong power that is above all humans, all animals and all living things. I do believe that while this power controls many aspects of our lives, it is not to be looked at as the sole power that can make or break anything. It is said that it is wrong for us mortals to assume that we have any power at all in front of "God". But I beg to differ. I believe that we do have the power to control certain things but at the same time, it is wrong to assume that we have the power to do anything and everything. We have the power to judge and make the right choice at every point in life. But, we don't have the power to control all the variables in the environment that these choices take us into. God is a combination of the human spirit and mind.

I was talking to a friend's father about pretty much the same things here and he said that the older scriptures such as the Vedas and Upanishads all talk about a higher power and do not mention any names as such to worship. So, he said any religion is fine as long as Man follows some faith. He also said that these scriptures specify all the religious rituals that one needs to perform in order to attain "Moksha". What is that supposed to mean? That, if we do not follow these rituals, then we will not go to heaven? The rituals and rites specified in the Vedas and other scriptures relate to the Hindu religion whereas the Bible and Quran state totally different things as ways to attain spiritual salvation. So, who is right and who is wrong?

Religion has always appeared to be a man-made concept to me. Who created all these rituals and rites? Does anyone know for sure (has evidence) to prove that if you conform to all of these rules, he/she will certainly reach heaven? Who has actually seen God? We hear lores about saints who have come face to face with God and who have spread His word thereafter. But, there is no evidence to prove that anyone has actually seen God and that the religions, as we know them today, were actually handed down by these different Gods.

As far as I am concerned, I follow one faith - Humanity. All I know is, I need to be a good human being, helping others as much as I can, leading an honest life without harming others and not judging people by their color, race or religion.

So, the next time, someone asks me if I am religious or spiritual, my answer is going to be "neither". What will be yours?